Unconditional Parenting?

TODAY'S ACTIVITIES:

• Library "Field Trip"

My son's friends (and my friends, the little boys' moms) couldn't make it to the playground for our weekly get-together this morning, so Parker and I decided to head to the library instead. My cousin, Jill, gave him a Skippyjon Jones book this past Christmas and he's lately become obsessed with it. Since I have started to inwardly groan whenever my son pulls Lost in Spice down from the bookshelf, I thought that, at the very least, we could benefit from borrowing a couple different, "new" Skippyjon books. And if we got out of the house for a little bit and found some other interesting books to borrow, too, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, either. The recently renovated library here on St. John is quite nice and quite cool--they always have the A/C on high there. It's situated in a beautiful old estate house and has a fairly extensive children's books selection. There's a large taxidermied iguana lying directly beneath a display of LEGOs, the placement of which I find a little odd (how about moving the dead lizard away from the colorful, enticing toys to somewhere, oh say, in the adults' section?), but this is the Virgin Islands so I shouldn't be surprised. We met a little boy while we were there who lives on the other side of the island, so I guess we did do some socializing on our day specifically set aside for socializing, after all.

In my last post, I wrote about how I would like to start praising my son's efforts--as opposed to his achievements--in an attempt to teach him to place less emphasis on "success." He already shows some signs of performance anxiety, at times not wanting to try things, uttering, "I can't do that!" I feel like Parker would attempt more, and persevere through challenging tasks more often, if he didn't place so much weight upon doing well. My friend, Jen S., commented on yesterday's post, recommending that I read Alfie Kohn, an author who advocates "unconditional parenting." I came across an article by Kohn in the New York Times back in September, in which he stated, "Some people who wouldn’t dream of spanking choose instead to discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call 'time out.' Conversely, 'positive reinforcement' teaches children that they are loved, and lovable, only when they do whatever we decide is a 'good job.'" Those words gave me pause when I read them last fall. I revisited them this afternoon upon seeing Jen's comment and, again, I had to stop and think. Later on in the article, Kohn said that unconditional parenting should be accompanied by "explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view." I feel like I do all those things pretty well. What I don't do well is keep mum when my kid does something I find amazing. If I agree with Kohn's assertion that heaping praise upon Parker when he accomplishes something I deem to be great (that is to say, "positive reinforcement") sends him the message that my love is contingent upon what he achieves--and I do tend to agree--then I really need to work on not voicing my judgments. It was so easy to get into the habit of saying, "Wow! Look what you can do!" when Parker was a toddler and just beginning to do things like walk and talk; those were exciting times. Now I'm realizing that my kid doesn't need me to tell him that he's performed well because he can (and should!) judge for himself. This, to a degree, falls in line with the educational philosophy of the Montessori method. The "control of error" included in each Montessori activity lets the child see on his own whether he has made any mistakes; he doesn't need to sit there, waiting to find out whether his teacher will give him a gold star. I think I will read some more Alfie Kohn, starting with his book, Unconditional Parenting. One of the great side effects of this homeschooling experiment is that I'm becoming more mindful of myself as a mother. (Not that I was out to lunch before, but there have been some definite "auto pilot" days.)